www.DanielMcCree.OrgPublished with permission of the authorMarch 3, 2010 (12:15pm)
RAY (New Orleans, LA & St. Louis, MO)
I woke up this morning and found I had received this email from an old friend. All it said was, "holy sh#t. I didn't know he killed himself" and then it contained a link to Danny's (as I knew him) web site that, I think, you made for him in memorandum. I didn't know this until today and so it's hit me as though it just occurred. I lost another good friend the same way at the same time but I knew about that when it had happened. I wish I had known then that I had lost two.
I don't know if you would have ever heard of me but I knew Danny through some of his rougher moments. I'm the guy who he drove to New Orleans with the night before he began what would probably be his most difficult life stage. Danny and I had both been through a relationship with the same person, him after me, and so we had that in common.
They were abusive relationships in very similar fashions and so when Danny was coming out of it he and I became friends. I helped him to come out of that and I did everything I could to help him see clearly in that time because I knew from experience how hard that was and I knew exactly what he had gone through with that person.
When I decided to leave for New Orleans late on a Sunday night, Danny insisted he go with me. I often wish I had refused but at the time I wanted to take him far away from our ex, who was on a rampage. I won't go into (...) details but Danny was vulnerable and I should not have allowed certain things to take place. I was easily swayed by his cleverness and his looks. I think he was only really wanting validation that he deserved love. He did.
He was so young then and so wounded. He had come from one of the worst childhoods I had ever heard of. He shared it with me and I could not believe it. He had a lot of pain and a lot of anger then. I had also had a terrible childhood but hearing his made me stop complaining. Mine was nothing compared to his.
When we arrived in New Orleans, he started acting crazy. I didn't know him as well as I should have, perhaps. I didn't expect these things. He started disappearing for days and when he came back home he would tell how he had been sleeping with homeless people in train cars. We would tell him he was nuts for doing this when he had a place to go at night but he did it anyway. We fought a lot. He was violent sometimes, too. He hadn't really started the drugs yet, that I am aware of, but he had started engaging in some very worrysome behaviors and I knew him when he contracted HIV.
We had a particularly horrible night and me and our other roommates told him he had to leave. He had broken some windows and had tried to punch me. I was a lot taller than him and was able to hold him at arms length and he could never reach me to make real contact. I knew it wasn't really his fault. I knew he had issues and I suspect he had Bipolar Disorder (as do I) and I don't know if he ever did get treated. But he couldn't stay there and destroy the apartment and possibly injure people.
He left on foot for Texas to see a friend of ours and came back shortly to stay across the courtyard from us with a girl who was his friend. She took up for him a lot but when they lived together she experienced his volitile nature and also asked him to leave.
That's when we lost contact.
The next time I saw him was several months later and he had started his working with a magazine (not exp) and travelling and I was happy to see him calming down. He still exuded a frightening energy at the time but he was getting better. I remember playing a CD for him I thought he would like and he tried to take it. Not steal it but he just asked if he could have it. I said no.
Those were rough times. It was in 2001 and maybe into 2002. I stayed in New Orleans long after he disappeared and I heard little stories of him now and then.
When I came back to STL, I saw the ex again and he knew a little about Danny's whereabouts but not too much. He faded from my forethoughts but stayed always in my mind.
People always ask me if I hear from him and I didn't so I never had anything to offer them. Then today I receive this news, two and a half years later.
I'm having a very quiet, somber day.
I don't know why I am writing. Perhaps because you and I knew very different people in Danny. When I went to his site and read his work, I did not know this person. He wasn't really doing this stuff yet. He didn't make art. I think he kept a journal but not this. I see this writing and it's such a mature person, unlike the angry kid I knew. It makes me feel so sad.
Back then Danny had no idea who he was or what he wanted. Every time he would make a new friend he would start talking like them and he always wanted to be like them. He was very absorbant of people he felt, I imagine, had the key to the happiness he so wanted.
Now I see he had actually started to find himself and so it's all the more sorrowing that, along with himself, he didn't find the happiness he had hoped for.
You're right that he changed the lives of everyone he knew. He sure changed mine. If he and I had never met, I would never have gone to New Orleans. I would never have found MYSELF in my own journey and I would never have "arrived".
I loved Danny. I hated that he was so lost. I hated that his confusion had to result in still more agony in his life. He was dealt an extremely rough hand in life and, considering his starting point, he went so much further than most people do and it was in a much shorter period.
Today I keep thinking, "why would he do a thing like this?" as I am sure everyone else does.
I'm sorry to hear this. He has never left my thoughts. The night he left for Texas we went out and got so drunk and I cried like a baby. I was actually a little mad at him when he returned a week later because I wouldn't have cried like that if I had known I was going to see him again so soon. ha ha!!!
I had a lot of pictures of him from NOLA but I lost my album.
Thanks for reading and also thanks for keeping him alive.
I just felt like I had to write this.
-- From RAY
(contact editor@danielmccree.org for RAY's contact info)
Wed at 4:26pm · Delete Post
Daniel McCree Foundation --- cleverness LOL :) Daniel absolute in his clevernrss ! truly Diamond.
CK
